Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Today Is Hangry Day... And Not In A Good Way

Day 9: 3/2/2016

I knew it was going to happen. I'm pissed. Literally fuming upset. Over what? Not being able to eat what I want! YEP! Like a child who didn't get the toy they wanted when they went to the store with mom. I'm throwing a tantrum. I'm boycotting food right now because I swear, if I eat any more salad in the near future, I'm going to drop kick a baby sloth and laugh like a cartoon villain. At this point, I would settle for a microwave dinner of fettuccini alfredo, right now. That's where I'm at...

This is my life. I'm the dude, that gets physically, emotionally, and mentally upset over not being able to eat shitty food. Now, let's take that term, "shitty food"... to me, that means any food item that is not conducive to a healthy life. This is how extreme I have to be. I know some would read this and say "Hey, A A Ron... you can have a burger or pizza every once in awhile, that's totally ok." NOPE, it's not! Here's why. Right now, I am NOT capable of giving myself my drug of choice, even for just one meal. It's not that I will die due to one burger or one pizza. It's not that I will lose all progress because of one burger or one pizza. It's that I turn into Bruce from Finding Nemo when I eat high caloric foods and will continue on that path. If I can justify it today, I will justify it tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day.

Food is one of those things that humans can't live without. It's socially, financially, religiously, and legally acceptable to purchase at anytime, in any quantity, and in any place in the world. Therefore, people accept that we eat food that is bad for us. Don't get me wrong, I am not a health crusader. I am the first guy at the serving counter at family dinner. I will be the first one done. I'm just saying, that there aren't restrictions on food, other than the ones you put on yourself.

Here's a fun story. Here's some background first. I am half Mexican, and half white boy. My Mexican family is very traditional in the sense that food is the one thing that brings everyone together, for every occasion. When I was younger, I'd say around 11 or 12, my Mexican Grandparents moved to UT from TX. My Grandmother, who taught me how to cook, makes THE BEST, and I do mean that, THE BEST Mexican food. Food that has been put on tables for 50+ years in her family. We would all meet at the dinner table to eat. It was a time that I can remember, being more than extremely happy. What was funny, is that my Grandfather wouldn't eat with us at the table. In fact, he would eat prior to everyone else eating. While we ate, my Grandfather would sit at the table and watch me eat. He didn't just watch me eat, he would smile ear to ear, speaking in Spanish to my dad and Grandma, saying things like "Man, look at that boy eat. That boy can put that food away." Anytime that I would finish a plate and start a new one, he would tap my dad on the arm and say "Mira, Mira!!" (which means look, look) There was joy in my ability and desire to eat.

Fast forward to today... No one is watching. No one is gleefully supporting my desire to indulge. Now, it's me... morbidly obese, and uncomfortable.... Upset that I'm not able to indulge any longer. I'm 32 years old, and I can't control myself. If I don't get this under control, I will die, and no, that's not extreme.

I know there is joy in being healthy. I lived it post operation. I was obsessed with health. I even got to a point where I no longer sympathized with individuals that have my same addiction to food. I judged obese individuals for being lazy, and without self-control. That's how obsessed I was. Slowly, and steadily, that table has been flipped, turned, and broken.

Here are the thoughts right now that are keeping me going in the right direction:

  • Put yourself in the place of most potential (thanks Mom)
  • Does this help you reach your goal? if not, is it worth making things harder for?
  • Do you want to make this a moment? or an event? (Good ol Desmond Lomax)
Anyway... I'm going to make some healthy crap that I don't want to eat, and then exercise. Tomorrow's another day, probably filled with more salad. (I don't know how you vegans do it, it's madness)

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