Day 23: 3/16/2016
I was asked by a trainer many years ago if I enjoyed being fat and lazy. At the time, I needed something from him, and gave him the answer he wanted to hear and said "of course not". The truth is, a lot of the time, I do, it's fun!
There are enjoyable things about being a fat guy. A lot of it is about impulse control, or a lack thereof. It's about being able to choose the irresponsible thing, because you can, because it's allowed. Like I've said before, food is a necessity. Politicians aren't putting forth bills at an alarming rate to take fast food away from us. We're allowed to suck on the teet of calories and saturated fat with the world's blessing. While other people are denying themselves bacon wrapped in bacon with bacon sauce, the fat guy partakes.
However..... it's hollow and short lived. When I was younger, I was made fun of for being fat. I used to come home as a young little fat dude and would cry to my mother who would then take me through a bunch of scenarios on how I'm able to respond to bullying without losing my cool. When I would cry to her and say "They called me fat lard!"she would respond with "well.... are you fat?", as I sat in silence for a min, I would then answer "well.... yeah! but they don't have to say it!". She taught me how to own it. She taught me how to be able to accept that I was different and in no way did that make me less of a lovable person. Things got better.
When I played sports, NO ONE made fun of me, because I was big, and mean. I was blessed with natural athletic ability. Even where I'm at now, most guys my size can't push themselves physically, like I can. That's not a boast, it's just what I see when I go to a gym. I'm not in shape by any means, but I can push it.
The idea of losing weight is arbitrary and means nothing without a health goal. Sure, I have a certain amount of lbs that I want to lose, but it's less important to me than obtaining healthy habits. I want to be able to experience life when I choose to do so. If my wife wants to go to Disneyland, I don't want to say "I can't, I'm too fat for the rides, they won't let me."
This week has been rough in regards to stress. I had a friend/colleague even mention to me that my writing shows that I'm "an emotional wreck". HAHA, I'm not even offended a little bit. I AM for sure an emotional wreck. Change is hard. It's even harder when a lot of the time you feel alone. This blog has changed that feeling a lot. The responses I receive are so incredibly supportive and positive. Thank you to all who have reached out and said that they see the same struggle and that knowing that I am in the same boat helps them maintain their course.
"You only have your thoughts and dreams ahead of you. You are someone. You mean something" -Batman