Day 115: 6/16/2016
I've mentioned it before in this very blog the sick and twisted way that people like myself view food. There's no rationality... If there were, I wouldn't have gotten to 530 lbs in 2009.
The thing is, I made a life out of being the really fat guy. I mean, my nickname was "Bigern". I was celebrated for my ability to eat.... So much so that I would do "food challenges". I'm sure my buddy Kyle can remember me taking on the "One Pound Challenge" at Fuddruckers back in the day. It was a 1lb burger, a large chilli cheese fries, and a large milkshake. I did that... TWICE!! I've eaten the quadruple bypass burger at heart attack grill. I used to eat the "Colossal Pizza" at Pizza Pipeline when that was a fad here in UT. My point is, that when I'm in the middle of being fat, I make it enjoyable and take it to the absolute limit.
Fast forward to today. I'm HANGRY... I know that my actual goals are more important than my desire to eat something with cheese, grease, and bacon in it. However, those thoughts become more and more difficult to shake off. My current food plan is very restrictive. It is that way for specific reasons that I completely understand. Just because I get it, doesn't make it easy. It's easy for those who don't have the type of relationship with food that I have.
Do YOU see the cycle? I don't know where the start and/or end is. I'm currently in the "I'm trying to do something about my health" portion. In the past, I've been in this position. I'm really good at losing weight. Then, something happens. I get sick, I get hurt, life gets extra busy and poof, I run into the fluffy, tasty arms of high caloric food. Then, something happens.... I feel gross, get sick, can't do things I want to do, then I do something about being fat. I change my diet, I workout, and poof!! I feel better.
This has been the cycle for a long time. So what makes this time different? Honestly, I couldn't tell you. I feel differently about it. I'm more self aware. I have more support. I have more resources. I'm still the same me.
I weigh in tomorrow and get measured. We'll see how my vacation to San Diego last week (where I ate like fat Aaron) and this week (eating rabbit food Aaron) has changed my results.
On to tomorrow.