Monday, July 11, 2016

I Learned About Me

Day 140: 7/11/2016

Since I started this journey, there has always been one big question in my mind.

"What makes this time different than any other time?"

Over the last 5 weeks since I began boxing at Title Boxing Club in Cottonwood Heights, UT., I haven't had a real answer to that question....... Until now.

The truth is, every time I embark on this type of journey, it's different. This time, what makes it different, is that I don't have an end goal. There isn't a magic number. There isn't a pair of jeans that I want to fit into. There isn't a race that I want to run to signify "ok, I'm healthy, now." There isn't a signifying item on any checklist that says that I can stop. That's a monolithic thing for me to realize. I've always been the type of person to have an END goal. There's a problem with that line of thinking, though.... it has the word END in it. This is not an end, this is a beginning.

It's been awhile since my last post, so let's catch up.

Week 1 - I lost 13.6 lbs and plenty of inches everywhere
Week 2 - I lost 2 lbs and plenty more inches most everywhere
Week 3 - I lost .2 lbs....... and not so many inches everywhere, including a mysterious inch added to my waist.....

My normal weigh in day is on Friday morning, however, last Friday, I had some changes to my schedule at work and I wasn't able to make my normal weigh in time. Here's the reality, every time I weigh in, I am of the belief that I'm going to have a week like week 3 and lose nothing. My mentality has mostly been that despite my unwavering discipline and hard work, I'm going to have a disappointing result. Well, when that happened in week 3, it hit me hard. I was depressed and angry about it.

Let me preface, that I follow my nutrition plan to the letter!! I don't waver. I send my food log to my nutritionist every evening. After week 3's disappointing results.... I didn't want to anymore. In fact, I took 3 days off of training last week due to the major mental and emotional junk-punch I felt.

Then, today I weighed in, and I'm another 5 lbs down equalling just over 20 lbs lost. I had a good conversation with my nutritionist to finally realize that the stress of trying to be "perfect" is only going to hurt me in this process. Then, the biggest epiphany of all, is that there isn't a perfect program. What may work for others, may not work for me. I need to be able to take the principles of what I'm learning with this program, and find a way to make this a lifelong journey. The way I've been eating and working out, isn't sustainable for any substantial period of time.

Today, is a win. It's a win because I feel like I've had the ability to see myself 1 year from now, continuing a healthy lifestyle. I feel like I don't have to change who I am to my core, in order to be healthy. I can love food, and I can love romanticizing food without gorging myself full of high caloric comfort.

Every cliche saying about perseverance rings true to me today. The journey is truly more important than the destination. It really isn't about how many times you get knocked down. They're cliche because they're true. They annoy us because it simplifies things that are the hardest to accomplish.

This week, I've received permission to not stress myself out about not being perfect about following my diet plan. That I can cut myself some slack to not be perfect, because I'm far from it.

So, to keep me honest. I weigh 365 lbs. I'm eating better than I have in a long time. I'm working out harder than I have in a long time. I'm drug free, alcohol free, and as of right now, GUILT FREE. There's enough shitty things to worry about in this world, that I shouldn't worry about if the fruit that I want to eat isn't on my menu.

So, I move forward. Punching hard, eating right, and taking it day by day.

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