I Learned About Me

Day 140: 7/11/2016

Since I started this journey, there has always been one big question in my mind.

"What makes this time different than any other time?"

Over the last 5 weeks since I began boxing at Title Boxing Club in Cottonwood Heights, UT., I haven't had a real answer to that question....... Until now.

The truth is, every time I embark on this type of journey, it's different. This time, what makes it different, is that I don't have an end goal. There isn't a magic number. There isn't a pair of jeans that I want to fit into. There isn't a race that I want to run to signify "ok, I'm healthy, now." There isn't a signifying item on any checklist that says that I can stop. That's a monolithic thing for me to realize. I've always been the type of person to have an END goal. There's a problem with that line of thinking, though.... it has the word END in it. This is not an end, this is a beginning.

It's been awhile since my last post, so let's catch up.

Week 1 - I lost 13.6 lbs and plenty of inches everywhere
Week 2 - I lost 2 lbs and plenty more inches most everywhere
Week 3 - I lost .2 lbs....... and not so many inches everywhere, including a mysterious inch added to my waist.....

My normal weigh in day is on Friday morning, however, last Friday, I had some changes to my schedule at work and I wasn't able to make my normal weigh in time. Here's the reality, every time I weigh in, I am of the belief that I'm going to have a week like week 3 and lose nothing. My mentality has mostly been that despite my unwavering discipline and hard work, I'm going to have a disappointing result. Well, when that happened in week 3, it hit me hard. I was depressed and angry about it.

Let me preface, that I follow my nutrition plan to the letter!! I don't waver. I send my food log to my nutritionist every evening. After week 3's disappointing results.... I didn't want to anymore. In fact, I took 3 days off of training last week due to the major mental and emotional junk-punch I felt.

Then, today I weighed in, and I'm another 5 lbs down equalling just over 20 lbs lost. I had a good conversation with my nutritionist to finally realize that the stress of trying to be "perfect" is only going to hurt me in this process. Then, the biggest epiphany of all, is that there isn't a perfect program. What may work for others, may not work for me. I need to be able to take the principles of what I'm learning with this program, and find a way to make this a lifelong journey. The way I've been eating and working out, isn't sustainable for any substantial period of time.

Today, is a win. It's a win because I feel like I've had the ability to see myself 1 year from now, continuing a healthy lifestyle. I feel like I don't have to change who I am to my core, in order to be healthy. I can love food, and I can love romanticizing food without gorging myself full of high caloric comfort.

Every cliche saying about perseverance rings true to me today. The journey is truly more important than the destination. It really isn't about how many times you get knocked down. They're cliche because they're true. They annoy us because it simplifies things that are the hardest to accomplish.

This week, I've received permission to not stress myself out about not being perfect about following my diet plan. That I can cut myself some slack to not be perfect, because I'm far from it.

So, to keep me honest. I weigh 365 lbs. I'm eating better than I have in a long time. I'm working out harder than I have in a long time. I'm drug free, alcohol free, and as of right now, GUILT FREE. There's enough shitty things to worry about in this world, that I shouldn't worry about if the fruit that I want to eat isn't on my menu.

So, I move forward. Punching hard, eating right, and taking it day by day.

Getting To Neutral

Day 57: 4/19/2016

I don't write this blog for anyone other than myself. From day one, I started to write this as a journal and a mind-vomit collection basket.

I was asked by a couple of friends if I was still getting as many views as I used to, and the answer is no. However, it is surprising to me that it doesn't bother me. In fact, it helps relieve a bit of pressure. The one and ONLY reason that I share this with anyone else, is that if my journey, has the opportunity to help even one person, then I need to share it.

I needed to write this today because I feel it is allowing me to remember the reason that I started writing about this in the first place. I need to get my gears back to neutral.

I didn't get to where I am in life on my own. It just so happens, the one person that is my constant in life, has a birthday today. My beautiful wife Alysa. I wanted to share what I wrote about her, not because I want people to ooh and awe, but I want to remember the post, because the words to express my feelings for her came freely this morning. The journey continues.

Hitting The Wall

Day 56: 4/18/16

Sure, marathon runners, triathletes, yada yada yada - awesome fit people (insert thinly veiled insult out of jealousy, here) hit the "wall" when they compete. At that moment, they have to choose, to bust through it, or let it stop them.

Today, I hit my mental wall. I don't know why. I could choose any number of excuses to give. I'm just going to be honest and say it.

I LOVE TO BE LAZY!!!

I do, I love Netflix, and my couch, and my movie/TV collection that at any time, I could spend endless weeks watching and enjoying. I love my kitchen, where I can spend time creating any number of things that could make my inner (and outer) fatman squee with glee!!!

While I still want to be lazy, the battle of the century is within the battlefield between my heart and mind. My mind says "dude, do you know how many things are in your Netflix queue?"

Meanwhile, my heart says, "You could totally rock a Batman branded banana hammock in the Caribbean if you would only get up off of your sinking love handles and exercise"

Then, I'm quickly reminded why I do most of the difficult things in my life. The woman who puts up with my jackassery every single day..... We have two of the most beautiful and fun and furry children anyone could ask for. I have a great job with people I enjoy being around. I have great friends who support me, love me and want me to succeed.

So, really..... what is there to bitch about from here on out. Time to make the love handles sink less.

I'm Stressed... That Doesn't Make Me Special.

Day 53: 4/15/16

I avoid talking about the things that cause my "down" moods as much as I can. I've been thinking about it today, and maybe that's a mistake. I try to be as honest as I possibly can on this blog, so here I go.

Here is a list of things that cause that stress level to impact my ability to fight on at any given time.

• Work stress
• Feelings of inadequacy in my job/marriage/friendships/life
• Family drama
• Marriage woes
• Physical illness
• Financial worries
• Home ownership issues (stupid friggin dryer)
• insert whatever else here

The point is.... these things aren't special. I'm just like everyone else. Everyone has stress in their life. The reason successful people are successful, is their ability to stare the stresses in the damn face and move forward in the direction they want to go. 

So, as I'm preparing to truly tackle phase II, I need to learn how to cope with stress. I'm thinking getting back into boxing just may be the trick. Thanks to my pal Patrick, I'm going to get a crash course on Monday 4/25....

I'm going to post a video of me puking during that workout, just you wait.

Blah... Blah Blah.... Blah.

Day 52: 4/14/2016

I'm not sure what I'm feeling, today. I think there is a heaviness.... no pun intended. I don't really know how to express myself, right now.

Have you ever felt like you are lost in a moment?? I don't feel lost overall. I just feel lost, today. I'm not sure what it is that I'm supposed to learn today other than to know that I get a chance at life again tomorrow.

Not every post can have meaty thoughts, right?

I dunno, I guess I'll let someone else say some inspiring words. Here's a clip from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Facebook that I thought was cool.

Freedom

Day 51: 4/13/2016

This isn't a 4 month, 6 month, 1 year, 5 year journey. This is a lifestyle journey. I deserve to live a long, happy, healthy life, but it comes at the cost of giving up the gluttonous and lazy lifestyle.

I am now able to give myself a little bit of the foods that normally I'd have to say "absolutely not ever" to. On day 6, if I gave myself some of my favorite pizza (Village Baker here in UT) I wouldn't be able to stop. One pizza would turn into many pizza's, with cheeseburgers as the topping.

Being healthy is something that has been an abstract concept to me. Healthy has meant that I get my 3 meals in a day and I get some sleep. That's not enough. I owe it to myself to be the best version of me. I remember a year after my gastric bypass surgery, I was truly able to do things that I had not been able to do since I was a teenager. I want that again. Sure, I want to look extra beefcake-like to my wife, but that's not anything she's ever asked me to do. She'll love me no matter what, but it doesn't hurt to have your spouse want you even more.

This provides me freedom. I don't feel trapped by this journey like I did when I started. This phase is slow to start... I'm not going to lie. I'm not giving every effort that I know I have. I have no doubt that I'm ready, though.

I've had some excellent feedback to my challenge I gave a couple of days ago. Some of the goals that were sent to me, inspire me to improve my own. Kudos to you who have made those goals.

Until tomorrow!!

Be The Hero

Day 50: 4/12/2016

It's no secret that I'm a comic book fan. I wear Batman on my skin every day. I mostly wear some version of a comic book hero on my t-shirt everyday as well. I'm obsessed with certain characters more than others, sure.... but all in all, the reason that I love comic book heroes is that I connect with their struggle and lock in on what makes them amazing.

I've been thinking about the similarities between the comic book heroes that I love and the heroes that I know in this crazy real life we live in. I narrowed it down to these three things.

1. Courage: No, not just the jump in front of a punch, courage. It's that "no matter the obstacle, I'll take it on" type of courage. The obstacle can be one that they know is going to hurt them, or possibly take them out permanently.

2. Confidence: It's not confidence in a prideful way. It's that when the challenge is presented, the hero will have the courage to take it on with the attitude that they can do great things.

3. Determination: No matter what story arc you read, the hero is determined to be ready for the fight. They're determined to do whatever it takes to ensure the safety of others.

I think about one my biggest heroes, and it's my mother. She may find it weird that I say that, but that's what makes her great. She thinks that what she does is not super. She maintains humility even though she has impacted the lives of thousands of people throughout her life as a teacher, mother, and friend. I've seen my mother take on whatever has come at her, and she stands tall before, and after the battle.

I want to be like my mom in the sense that I can look at the goals that I've set, and be so mentally strong that even though the end goal is daunting, I can stand tall, with confidence and know, that as long as I am determined to make things happen, I will stand taller and stronger at the end of this journey.

Mark my words.... When I hit my goal of weighing 200 lbs, I'll wear a cape for my after photos.

Believe it.

Phase II - It's On. Please Join Me

Day 49: 4/11/2016

I literally just stepped off the scale. I'm sitting in my living room after my wife and I took our dogs on a nice walk. I giggle about the reason we went on this walk. It's because we are having our own little Fitbit "steps" competition between us. There really isn't anything on the betting line but the competition makes it fun for us.

If you haven't read my post titled "My Story", I would encourage you to do so, and to share it. Creating awareness for depression, suicide and mental illness is something that I'm passionate about. I would love for that message to be shared as much as possible. The link is HERE

Now, onward to the task(s) at hand. Weight loss, health, commitment, goals, willpower, self control, discipline... I have learned that these are things that pretty much ALL people deal with. It's not just me. I've said it before, that I don't write this blog to gain viewers. I don't write it for shock and awe, and I don't do it for attention. I do it because it helps keep me accountable, BUT! I receive feedback from people who read this blog, and it is humbling to learn that I'm not alone in how I think and feel. It's inspiring to me that my struggles, failures, and successes have motivated others to take on their own health challenges.

I've been on vacation since April 1st. For the most part, I was pretty good about keeping my food choices in check. I didn't gain anything and I didn't lose anything. While on vacation, I did partake in eating some bread, and some fried goodness. I made and ate my amazing chocolate chip cookies. I truly enjoyed my vacation. Now, vacation is over and it's time for me to dial things in.

Phase II is what I'm calling the next calendar quarter. From now to June 30th, I'm going to take the things that I learned in Phase I and apply them to harder, and more intense goals. I learned that I am more than capable of looking my demons in the eye and denying them the control over my actions. I learned that I can do hard things. I learned that as long as I have the type of support that I received in my first 30 days, I can push through the hardships that these challenges will bring.

Here are the goals that I have made for the next quarter.

• Learn how to incorporate new forms of lean protein into my 1400 calorie a day diet.
• Increase water intake to 120oz a day.
• Participate in a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day, 7 days a week.
• Find a way to afford to join the boxing gym that I want to join, and go 3x a week.
• Increase my nightly sleep hour average to 7.
• Have a daily step count of 10k+ on Fitbit, 7 days a week.
• Incorporate a video portion to this blog.
• Increase my endurance of jogging to be able to jog 1 mile without stopping.

Anyone reading this. I encourage you to make goals with me for the next 3 months. I would LOVE for you to share them with me. Join me on Facebook via the "Geekshow Fit" fitness group. 

"When you decide not to be afraid, you can find friends in super unexpected places." - Ms Marvel

Hiatus

Day 45: 4/7/2016

YEP! I'm still here. I'm still on this journey. I decided that I needed a vacation. After my last post, I needed some time to enjoy some R&R and be able to be lazy and reset my batteries.

I will return back to writing and sharing each day this coming Sunday, April 10th.

I am going to be adding some new things to the blog, like trackers, pictures, possible videos, etc.

My Story

Day 39: 4/1/2016

This post is different. The topic isn't really about weight loss. It's not about dieting, or exercise. It's about hope and love.

I have only shared this part of my life with individuals who have wanted to know. I don't share it to boast, brag, or bring attention to myself. I believe that part of growing is being able to acknowledge, and accept the things in your life that have made you into who you are. Some of those things are positive, and some of them are trials and hardships.

Let's take a minute and imagine that you are person that is in constant pain. Let's say that pain spreads to your whole body. Nothing you do for that pain, helps. You have no rest, or relief from that pain. Then, something comes along, and allows you to not feel that pain, even for a few minutes. You are now in control of whether you feel pain or not. That gives you a power, that you could have never imagined before. The problem is, the solution, has side effects. Along with not feeling pain, you no longer feel anything else, including happiness or hope. The other side effect is that you now have to find a way to keep yourself supplied with that solution, because the fear of the pain returning is now insurmountable. You are willing to do anything to keep your power. You have to keep it a secret because others won't understand or will try and take that power away from you. You then obsess so much over it that you are now consumed by your fear, your power, your pain, your shame, and your secrets. Welcome to being an addict and welcome to depression.

This issue for me, started many years ago. I would say at age 11. I began trying to replace dealing with hardships and depression by introducing substances into my body. It started off with cigarettes, then to things like marijuana and alcohol. It eventually led to addictive drugs like cocaine, methamphetamines, heroin, and opiates in the form of prescription pain killers. Of course I was taught that these substances were bad for me. I was well aware of the dangers that they could cause. The only thing that mattered was keeping it all a secret, and making sure that I could keep myself in arms length of my pain solutions.

This lasted off and on through junior high, and high school. After high school, it started to bleed into every aspect of my life. This included hurting friends and losing friends. This included stealing from my friends and family. It led to me losing the trust, and respect of my friends and family.

Things changed when I had friends starting to die from the same problems. I knew things would need to change or I would be another bad statistic. I decided, on August 24th, 2003 to be honest about these problems with my friends and family. I sought out help at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, through the Dayspring rehabilitation program. While I was there, I learned about depression. I learned about how this is an illness. It's an ugly one that is becoming more and more prevalent in all communities throughout our country.

The C.D.C. lists suicide as "the third leading cause of death among persons aged 10-14, the second among persons aged 15-34 years, the fourth among persons aged 35-44 years, the fifth among persons aged 45-54 years, the eighth among person 55-64 years, and the seventeenth among persons 65 years and older." in the "suicide data sheet" of 2015.
The permanent solution to temporary problems is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-34..... That's sobering.

I'm writing about this because I am a person who suffers from depression. I've seen many therapists, and continue to see one now for this issue. Last fall, I was at a point that I was willing and able to go that route as a solution to my depression. Instead, I chose to cry for help in a stupid way and scared my wife, and family (and my neighbors I'm sure) while being wheeled off in an ambulance.

Since then, with the love, and support from my wife, my family, and my friends, and some great therapy, I can happily say that I am living a life with hope, love, and gratitude. I look forward to my future.

Today, I was able to put a period on that chapter of my life by participating in "project semicolon". If you're unfamiliar, Project Semicolon is a global non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love and inspire. The semicolon in the english language is used in writing when a sentence could have ended, but did not. In context, bearing that symbol is one that says "my story is not over".

I chose to have this symbol tattooed on my arm today. It is a reminder to me that I am not finished yet. I choose to continue. I had the semicolon placed as a note that originally would have ended the first bar of Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings". I did this because music has been and will always be my place of solitude and peace. It is the thing that has been the constant in my life. This song is my favorite classical piece as well. Here is my freshly tattooed arm.

I must give my sincerest gratitude and thanks to the artist who took my idea and came up with this piece. Seth Jordan at The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction CO.

Ultimately, I want the message of this post to be one of hope and love. To those who struggle with self image, depression, mental disorders, eating disorders, abuse, addiction, and self mutilation; there is hope. There is help. There is no shame in admitting that you need help. Contact a mental health professional, visit a hospital, or you can call 1-800-784-2433.

If you're interested in learning more about Project Semicolon. You can visit http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

If you would like to hear Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" click on this link
https://youtu.be/xtF_CfjzfjQ

Progress In Chaos (This One has pics, so it DID happen)

Day 38: 3/31/2016

It happened. In the middle of some crazy rollercoaster "Life-ing". Injuries, illness (suck it, kidney stones) addiction to food, cravings, whining, rambling... blah blah blah, the point is, despite all of that, I have made progress.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that food is a thing in my life that I struggle with. I'm finally starting to accept that this isn't really going to be something that I do for a while. I have accepted that without the pain and struggle, the progress is short lived.

I think out of all the responses I get from my writing, the one I receive the most, and the response that means a lot to me, is that there are others that struggle with the same thing I do. My dedication to sharing has been a way for others to feel like they're not the crazy one. We're all crazy.

I want to make a challenge to anyone who is reading this. Do something for a minimum of 30 days, that is difficult for you. The reward, is you will find what you are made of. You will learn what your fight or flight triggers are.

I think what I feel most is relief. I'm capable of doing this. There are thousands of you who are reading each week, now. So I know that I'm not alone.

THANK YOU.

And now, even though it's not visible on me to lose 40 lbs, I figured it was only fair to share.

Here's Day 1

 

Here is Today -40 lbs

 

The Reset Button

Day 37: 3/30/2016

Yesterday I talked about wanting to quit. It only seems fitting that I talk about the all powerful "RESET" button. This is a pinned picture on one of the fitness groups I am a part of on Facebook. If you want to check that group out, search "Geekshow Fit" and join. (Geekshow says HEY!)

This button doesn't give you power to enable your bad choices. It gives you the power to overcome guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, and pain.

This button doesn't take away the consequences of your bad choices. It gives you the power to choose not to make the same choices again.

This button doesn't give you all the answers. It gives you time to figure them out.

Life throws much harder things at you than curve balls. It throws grenades. No matter which way you hit it, it's going to do some damage.

I learned a valuable lesson today and that is when the opportunity comes for me to step up, I will take it. It's not out of pride. It's not out of desire to be a hero. It's out of desire to do the right thing when it's presented. I don't always succeed, but I definitely give it a shot.

This lesson isn't just applicable to this journey, but I think it fits nicely. Yesterday, was a hard day. In fact, the last month has been very hard for me. However, I know, that tomorrow has a chance to be better.

I had so many people reach out to me since last night to give their love and support. I can't thank you enough. your support keeps me motivated to FalconPUNCH the universe, and this bountiful belly in the face.

Why Am I Doing This?

Day 36: 3/29/2016

I have started this post many times and deleted each one.

The truth is, I don't know what to say and I don't want to fake it. I feel like quitting this journey, today.

I don't know what happened. Nothing terrible has happened. I'm not sick. I have a wonderful wife, 2 awesome dogs that I love like hooman children. I have a great job with a great team. I have a supportive and loving family.

I think I'm burned out. I want to quit because I feel like I emotionally, and mentally don't have anything left to give to this challenge right now.

Now, with those truths out in the world, I can begin to accept that I want to quit and choose to continue. It's not going to be easy. In fact, I know it's just going to get harder.

I am keeping in mind, that the reason I'm doing this is about more than just me. It's about a wonderful wife who depends on me to be there for the life we planned together. It's about those 2 awesome pups that depend on me and give me unconditional love. It's about being well enough to cross the things off my "bucket list".

What kind of example do I set if I quit?

Accept Your Success (PSST... This post has measurement updates)

Day 35: 3/28/2016

Well, I did it. I skipped a day of blogging yesterday. It wasn't because I didn't want to. It wasn't even due to the Easter holiday. It was because I didn't have anything of value to say to myself. I was in the dumps, really.

I wasn't in the dumps because I felt unsuccessful. I was feeling down because I'm impatient. I WANT RESULTS NOW!!! For many people who go through a weight loss, or health journey, they want to see the end result immediately. I am guilty of this. I feel like if I chose not to eat the quarter pound cheeseburger, that means that I should LOSE a quarter pound. Of course this is flawed, but it's how I see things. I need to be able to accept the wins that I have, daily, weekly, and monthly. Gotham wasn't built in a day. Batman wasn't the best detective in the world in Batman Year One..... And I won't be fit and trim in the beginning either.

When I was younger, I was an athlete. I played many sports. I was good at some, and GREAT at others. If any of the readers of this blog played football with me back in the day, they may be able to vouch, I was mean, tough, and competitive. This mentality still bleeds into my life, today.

This journey has shifted and game has changed. I have been saying that I just want to be healthier and live a longer life. That's bullshit. I am not ok with just doing it. I want to kick in the naughty bits. I want bad health to be the bleeding, cancerous pulp laying on the ground, wishing that it had a hold of me, but it can't. I want to win. I want to be the one at the end of the journey, looking back and crying that I was able to accomplish something great.

In my post on 3/19/2016, I posted some measurements of myself. This was so that I could hold myself accountable for my results. Well, here are my results compared to that post.

Weight: 356 lbs (-1.5 lbs)
Neck:17.5in (-.5in)
Right Bicep: 16in (-1.5in)
Left Bicep: 16in (-1in)
Waist: 50in (-0in)
Right Thigh: 27in (-4in)
Left Thigh: 27in (-3in)

10 inches lost!!!

Commit!!!

Day 33: 3/26/2016

Today, I was faced with an interesting situation. My beautiful wife, who is also on her own weight loss journey decided that she wanted to go out for Saturday brunch. I'm always up for taking her out, she's an awesome date, all the time. So, she decided on "The Original Pancake House"

We arrived, and waited for a good while to get in. When we sat down, she was so excited to choose some foods for a cheat meal for herself. I was excited for her. When the menu came, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to partake in the normal foods that I would love to have while eating there. They had ONE thing on the menu that aligned with my goal, and that was a veggie scramble with egg whites.

The internal turmoil began. What normally would have been a very negative situation, turned around for me. Not because the food was great, because it wasn't. It was egg whites, with broccoli, onions, and mushrooms. I choked it down, with some black coffee, and sat there. I finally realized, I had already given myself a cheat a couple days ago, I don't need to feel bad for making healthy choices.

I'm so glad that I have a partner in life that wants to push themselves for greater things. Alysa has been sticking to her program really well and is not only losing weight, but is starting to make healthier choices all around. I'm so proud. It makes this journey a lot easier.

I can accept that I have goals, and it will be hard. It's not about today's meal. It's about the collective meals that equal a better, longer, healthier life.

Holiday weekends tend to make it easier for me to say no to healthy and embrace all the things in food that come with celebrations, ie. sugar, high calories, comfort food.

Well, this weekend, it's vegetables and lean protein for me. I AM COMMITTED!!! In a year from now, that commitment is going to pay off in a big way.

Keep the dream alive.

I can do this.

30 Days In: Things Are Changing

Day 30: 3/23/2016

I made it 30 days into this journey and haven't dropped dead. Sure, that's a morbid way of looking at it, but that's me. This blog has maintained my interest in being healthy. I can honestly say, right behind the support of my wife, writing this blog has been the key to keeping me on point.

I have maintained the topic of my relationship with food throughout this blog. Today was a BIG eye opener in the way I see food. I actually did some research for today's post. I wanted to know how I was able to get myself from a nice 252 pounds in 2012, to an extra hefty 393 pounds in 3 years.

Below, you will find the nutritional value of some of the foods that I love to eat on the regular.

Vendor	Item	Calories	Cal from Fat	Fat (g)	Sat Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Sodium (mg)
Arby's	Beef n Cheddar Classic	450	180	20	6	45	1280
Burger King	Whopper w/cheese	600	400	44	15	51	1260
Chik-Fil-A	Chicken Sandwich	430	150	17	4	38	1410
Chipotle	Chicken Burrito w/pinto beans, white rice, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, fajita veggies, red sauce	1305	554	61	20	127	2910
Culver's	Single ButterBurger w/cheese	460	N/A	25	10	40	710
Dominos	Medium (12") Hand tossed pizza (The Whole Pizza)	1720	648	72	28	200	4160
KFC	3 piece meal (breast, drumstick, thigh) w/mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuit	1040	520	57	17	64	3320
McDonalds	Big Mac	540	250	28	10	47	970
Olive Garden	Spaghetti w/Meat Sauce	640	200	22	7	85	1050
The Habit	Single Charburger	470	200	22	6	43	1140
Wendy's	Dave's Single	550	300	34	13	35	1180

I did all of this research on each "Vendor's" website. I think what this did for me is put into perspective what I used to consume. It wasn't uncommon for me to have multiple items on this list in one day.

Prior to having gastric bypass surgery, I weighed 530 pounds at my heaviest. I had routines that I stick to. I would leave my girlfriend's (now wife") house late at night to go home, on my way home I would stop at whatever food joint would be open at the time and ravage the menu as if I hadn't eaten all day. This could equal anything from 500 calories to 3000 calories (I'm serious)

This is what I looked like right before I was being wheeled into the O.R. (mind you, I lost around 50 lbs from my heaviest, prior to this photo) (July 5th, 2011)

This surgery was no joke. It was painful, I puked all the time, my hair started to fall out, my relationship with food was down to strict survival. If you asked me to eat a bite of a cheeseburger, I would have slapped you.

Not very long after that surgery, I looked like this after doing a mud run 5k with some friends.

I lost a part of me by allowing myself to consume food at an alarming rate. 

I'm not at the end of my journey. In fact, it's just beginning. I have zero doubt in my ability to achieve my goals. The next 30 days are going to incorporate some hefty fitness goals. 

I learned today, that I have readers in Canada, Sweden, Spain, and Portugal.

Thank you SO much for your time and your support.

In Your Head

Day 29: 3/22/2016

No, not that "The Cranberries" song.... However, their lyrics kind of work for my life right now.

Everyone's journey in life is something that we can all learn from. I've had the pleasure of hearing many amazing life stories. The online "fitness groups" that I've joined on Facebook have been awesome. I didn't think that I would learn much from others, but the truth is, I see that people struggle with the same things that I do. I see that there ARE other people that get depressed about not being able to eat what they want, when they want to eat it.

Today, I've been completely consumed by my own thoughts about life. I've said before that I'm in therapy. Today, I met with my therapist and he laid some knowledge on me (like he always does). I told him that I'm very saddened about not being able to get my tattoo that I wanted. Thinking that he was going to say "it's just a tattoo, it's going to be ok", he said "are you allowing yourself to be sad? or are trying to avoid it? You know damn well that if you avoid it, it's going to come back 10x stronger. So feel it! Swim in it. Let it be a moment, and not an event" (yeah, I have a good therapist)

One of my biggest downfalls for myself is not owning a feeling. I attempt to mask it with something else. Most of my life, that has been food. Yes, there were times when I masked it with drugs and alcohol, but for the most part, food has been my crutch.

In this new journey to understand what it means to be healthy, I need to allow myself to feel the feels. If I'm sad, upset, happy, excited, or frustrated, I need to own it, and move towards what I want.

What I want is to be the best version of me. I want to be someone that others can look up to. I want to be a superhero. Maybe not in the "Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist" sort of way......... wait... that sounds amazing, nevermind, yes, exactly like Iron Man.

You Could Do That..... OR.....

Day 28: 3/21/2016

Struggles are the thing that are motivation to many. I've talked about mine. They're not a mystery to me. I ran into some struggles the last few days. Today, I had to decide to give up something that was near, and dear to my heart. The funny thing is, it wasn't of the food variety.

I had a very personal tattoo scheduled to be put on my left inner forearm on April 1st. Due to some unforeseen financial emergencies at home, I had to cancel this appointment. Now.... what does this have to do with healthy living?

Well, healthy living is more than eating good calories, and exercising. It's about mental health and emotional stability. I believe they all go hand in hand. Being a man who runs to food when shit hits the fan, today's situation made me desire to drown myself in fresh made tagliatelle with a delicious cream sauce and a nice breaded and fried piece of chicken. Just a good 5000 calories of comfort.

The voice in my head today just kept saying "you could do that.... OR, you could choose to make a better choice in dealing with your feels"

I guess, the moral of this GI Joe episode, is that when faced with hardships, it's normal for many to want to drown in out. If I've learned anything in the last year, it's that you have to accept the way you feel and do not allow that feeling to drive your action. Move towards what you want, and what you value.

Talk To You Tomorrow

Day 27: 3/20/2016

I need a break from writing my thoughts and feelings, but at the same time, made a commitment to write everyday.

I will leave you with some cool words on top of an image of Batman.

All You Need Is Desire

Day 24: 3/17/2016

I was thinking about a lot of the things that I've accomplished in my life.

• Sports trophies as a child athlete
• Learning musical talents (piano, drums, bass guitar, singing)
• Getting my first job
• Moving to a new city on my own for a job
• Overcoming drug addiction
• Going to my desired trade school to learn audio engineering
• Engineering/mixing/producing music
• Marrying my best friend
• Being promoted at my current job 5x in less than 5 years
• Going from 530 lbs down to 252
• Gaining 141 lbs from that 252....... (still a "big" accomplishment)

They are all big things to me. I was trying to find the commonality in all of them and desire is the thing that sticks out. We spend so much of our time, convincing ourselves that we want something, but we only accomplish the things that we truly desire. I won trophies as a kid because I truly wanted to win, and in order to win, I desired to be the best. I excelled in learning a trade because I truly desired to be paid to do what I love. I married my wife because I truly desire to have my happily ever after with her.

Now comes what I've been stewing over for the last few days. Do I truly desire to be healthy? I mean in my heart, in my mind, in my actions? 

The equation for losing weight is simple. The actions to accomplish what you want on the scale are well known. It is even easy to understand that anyone who drops weight won't accomplish their goal in one night. However, DO YOU DESIRE THE OUTCOME ENOUGH TO DO IT?

It's going to hurt. You're going to be tired. You're going to have food cravings that don't match "healthy". You're going to be stressed, overwhelmed, and ornery. You're going to feel alone. You're going to feel failure, and you're going to feel like you want to quit. 

The difference between those who accomplish the goal and those who don't, is in the desire to stare down those hardships, and choose to beat them. 

I am there. I am that guy. I truly desire to be healthy, thinner, happier, more active, and strong.

"Courage, Honor, Loyalty, Sacrifice. You're braver than you think." -Captain America: The Chosen